| 30 April 2009
The Kentucky Derby is one of my favorite sports days of the year. I've always been fascinated by the control a jockey can exert over a horse, the pageantry that comes with the Kentucky Derby and the heart-pounding photo finishes. Each year I root for a Triple Crown winner because I'd like to say I saw the next "Secretariat."
So to me, Saturday just might be one of the best sports days of the year. The Capitals and Penguins open their playoff series, and the Kentucky Derby runs shortly afterward. It got me thinking, if NHL players were horses, and by name association alone, which horse would they be in this year's Kentucky Derby?
Here's three names that stick out as most likely to be associated with NHLers.
I Want Revenge
Odds: 3-1
He's the favorite heading into the Kentucky Derby, but it's probably because with a name like that if he weren't the favorite he'd be kicking some bookie's ass right now. I Want Revenge is a particularly violent name for a Kentucky Derby horse, which leads us to believe he has a chip on his shoulder, but then again his father was named "Don't F*** With Me" so what else would you expect? Okay, we lied about that last part. Point is, this is a horse that obviously wants revenge for some past failure in his young life. God help us if he doesn't get it.
NHL counterpart: Sidney Crosby
Crosby is a scarred man this year. He reached the top, only to get kicked down by the Red Wings in the Finals, breeding a new Sidney we've never seen before. He's fighting, he's chirping, he's removing his visor to goad people into fights, and he's not afraid to jump your ass at the faceoff circle. Crosby's hard-edged play as of late is the direct result of one thing, wanting revenge.
Mr. Hot Stuff
Odds: 30-1
Just as I Want Revenge has a name that adds a layer of mystery, Mr. Hot Stuff is one of the most pompous names in the field. It's almost as if he was named to be a stud, not a winner. When young female horses walk around looking for a mate, are they looking for the angry love of I Want Revenge or the sweet, sweet honey that is Mr. Hot Stuff? Even at 30-1 odds, Mr. Hot Stuff's name alone will draw fans. He's probably going to have the best color coordination, winning over the "I cheer for the prettiest horse" crowd. Mr. Hot Stuff might be a lot of talk, but we think he'll back it up.
NHL counterpart: Alex Ovechkin
Is there anyone else who could be Mr. Hot Stuff? From the leaping celebrations, the highlight reel goals and larger-than-life personality, Alex Ovechkin is "kinda a big deal." If your love of "The Simpsons" is as great as ours, then you might remember an episode in which Homer adopts a horse he names "Furious D." Alex Ovechkin and Mr. Hot Stuff are the living versions of "Furious D."
Hold Me Back
Odds: 15-1
It's nice to see the Kentucky Derby also allows sarcastic names in the field along with extremely violent ones. Hold Me Back doesn't imply any real speed or skill, just a desire to coax trainers to try to hold him back. When the horses finish a race, or something particularly shady is happening on the track, Hold Me Back sounds like the horse who's running his mouth in a thick Staten Island accent.
NHL counterpart: Sean Avery
You can try to hold back this agitator, but either way his lunacy is going to prevail. This is best exemplified by his benching for Game Six against the Capitals. The Rangers tried to hold Avery back, but in the end an Avery-like explosion still occurred on the bench, proving that you can take Avery out of the Rangers lineup, but you can't take "the Avery" out of the Rangers.
Without going into specifics here's a short list of other horse names and NHL players and personalities.
Friesan Fire = Jeff Friesen
Chocolate Candy = Jarome Iginla
Papa Clem = Scott Clemmensen
Desert Party = Citizens of Glendale, Arizona
General Quarters = Jeff Schultz
We're happy to accept more in the comments.
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